I could be wrong, but...

Beyond "Relax!"

Adrenaline makes you feel good.

I had to read this a few times, over a few days, from a few different, reliable sources before this fact wormed its way into my consciousness and made me decide to rethink the way everything works.

For a few years I’ve been struggling with (when I’m not completely ignoring it) something called “stress management”. This is apparently important for anyone owning and operating a mind and body. You’re going to get stressed, and you have to make sure you recover. Particularly in the “information age”. Meaning we don’t have assistants anymore because you can, theoretically do many things simultaneously with the click of a “send” or “go” button.

Problem is, these buttons, and all the glories and pitfalls they bring, came into our consciousness maybe 25 years ago. Also, at the other end of the click, you’re left with an awful lot of stuff to do. I don’t know about most people but I’m pretty sure my brain and body operate similarly to the way my ancestors’ did some millennia ago. Not only that, days are pretty much the same length as they always were, so, while a lot more information gets circulated, the capacity for digesting and responding to it hasn’t changed all that much.

Let’s back up some of those millennia. We developed stress systems to respond to the kind of stressors that were common when we were primates, and these worked quite well. Acute stressors, dangers or threats, or anticipation of such, triggered the release of adrenaline in the blood stream, heightened the senses and prepared the body for action so we could escape (or disable) the stressor. Quickly.

But what happens when we can’t? Let’s look at…oh…work, just for fun. The most common workplace stressors are

• Increased demands for overtime due to staff cutbacks
• Pressure to perform to meet rising expectations but with no increase in job satisfaction
• Pressure to work at optimum levels – all the time!

Anxiety, depression, fatigue, hopelessness…That’s what happens. It’s not the lion that you happen upon by the river once in a while. It’s that client that’s going to ask for something impossible. Every 15 minutes. Of every day. All. Year. Long. Our stress systems are not designed to help us thrive when stress is there every day, all day, over the longer term. Even though we aren’t technically in danger, pressure to perform at optimum levels all the time in unpredictable situations make our primate selves respond as if we are. Constantly. After that things start going a little haywire because human beings aren’t automatically wired with a recovery mechanism for ongoing, sustained stress. But

Adrenaline makes you feel good

Except, there is a lot of time I don’t feel good. I feel overwhelmed, trapped and pissed off. Well, here’s the thing; remembering that our stress systems aren’t designed to cope with chronic, sustained stress, it makes sense that eventually the adrenaline has to wear off, so you crash, and then it’s easy to have lots of negative thoughts. These bad feelings are designed to make you aware of something being really bad so as to move away from the situation. The tricky part is a) we’ve become a neurotic species so you somehow think it’s you, and don’t really take a step back, but more importantly b) you only feel the bad aspects when the body is crashing from the adrenaline and progressing to a more relaxed state.

So what does your body want? More adrenaline, of course. Where do you get it? Why, from the same place you’ve been getting it (assuming you don’t have a lion or a river nearby). So you get up and do it all again and in your mind, you love/hate it, and that’s just the way it is.

But by this time what’s happening is your body is relying on the adrenaline to replace all the brain chemicals that are there to make you feel good in a sustainable way, like serotonin and endorphins. With all that adrenaline, other chemicals come into play like cortisol, which makes the adrenaline crash last longer over time, feel worse, kills brain cells and lessens the brain’s and body’s ability to generate the right chemicals and new brain cells.

The answer? Don’t focus on regularly recovering from stress, or managing stress. Focus on not doing it in the first place. That’s right. Get off the chronic adrenaline hamster wheel and reserve it for acute and real danger. It doesn’t mean that you leave the situation (though it might) It just means that you have to find a way to

a) Take full responsibility for remaining in the situation if that’s what you choose to do. No one is strapping me to the chair. I can leave and never come back any time I want. I may have to weigh up a period of uncertainty, but that’s mine and mine alone to reconcile.

b) Control the situation(s). I’m there because I’m good at what I do. Being good doesn’t mean giving everyone what they want or the way they want it. Being good means doing the ecological thing. But this requires a reasonable measure of confidence, time and calm thinking, not an adrenaline fuelled escape or attack.

c) Support yourself to work through it. If you are in a place that doesn’t support gaining any measure of control or support, then forget it. Go live on an organic farm. But wrack your brain for anything you can grab hold of that will let your resourceful, rational self, not your adrenaline, drive the bus, even if it makes you or others around you a little uncomfortable at the time. Eventually the results will foster trust.

Is the client’s problem really your problem? Yes and no. Yes because the source of the issue is a shared problem because of the nature of the relationship, but the way they want to solve it may be one way, which may not be possible, effective or reasonable, and there are usually many possible ways. Or there are ways to redefine the problem (because let’s face it, by the time you’re neck deep in this stuff it’s too late to redefine the relationship). Adrenaline doesn’t help at all when studying information and exploring to support sustained creative problem solving. It only really helps if you need to punch someone in the face.

Time…

There’s the rub. The belief that “there’s no time” is both a function and a trigger of the adrenaline response. Therein lays the catch 22 and the real clue that you need to get off the merry go round. There is always time for the right, ecological thing. If you are confident about it others will be too.

Spread this confidence. It doesn’t mean getting into a yes there is / no there isn’t stale mate. It means using what time there is (and there always is) well. We all know those people that seem to accomplish what needs to be accomplished, get out in time for dinner or whatever else they like doing, and return the next day looking fresh. It’s not that they’re better, it’s just that they are very very confident that other things are more important over the long term. Not because work isn’t, but because without the proper support over the long term, everything will suffer.

- Eat well
- Sleep well
- Exercise as much as you need to, but not more (that can get you back on the adrenaline wheel)
- Laugh as much as you need to, or more
- Connect with nature. The rhythm of things a lot bigger, more primal or more patient than you remind you what is true and real
- Make your personal space as clean and pleasant as possible, and your work space too
- Think it through and talk it through
- Stick to your schedule
- Have a schedule
- And most importantly listen well and fearlessly, with the expectation there is always a resolution

While there may be the odd thing that throws you off, and the odd time where things converge too fast and you do really need that short term adrenalin (though I would argue not, unless you’re life is being threatened), have the confidence first to stop and think, whatever it takes to do that, and to know that anything throwing you off the above on a regular basis means you aren’t doing it right. Correct. It’s you, not them. Correct, that is a form of confidence if you know that usually you know what you’re doing, and can identify when you’re reacting out of frustration and fear ( those are the “I’m not sure if I want to kill or cry” times, and it gets worse because the things you do as a result make it worse). If you’re reacting, or moved to instill fear in someone else, something’s gone wrong.

Fear and anger is a clue that you’re probably buying into someone else’s hype and, getting back to simple biological terms, letting your adrenaline drive the bus. This is also tricky because as primates we all know that instilling fear in others will get a reaction. Recognise it for what it is, and that’s usually someone else’s fear. There’s not much you can do about that if you don’t allow yourself to stop and think it through, and find solutions to put all to rest.

And finally, if the points above on how to use your time sound impossible, or like they will just make the situation worse, or inspire the cry of the chronically stressed “but I can’t, I’ll just have more work” it means you’ve gone over the edge into anxiety land, which will screw up your whole perspective. No matter what your stress addled mind tells you, trust it’s time to take time out to reset. Not just to relax, although that’s needed, but once that’s done, to consciously reset your relationship with adrenaline, sleep, eat, take a break from the pressure and let all the other good brain chemistry and cell regenesis take over.

Yoga is gross

I know the times I’m feeling most discombobulated are the precise times I need to haul my ass to yoga. Bikram is the order of the day. Really though, at that point all I want is a drink, or two. I’m not all that choosy about the company either.  It’s just quicker and easier, and ideally I won’t need to change or shower after. But lately taking the easy route just feels cheap, and the booze isn't working.

So I rush off to ensure I get to class a full half hour before to get a good spot.  I brave the wall of heat in the practice room, still in my scarf and parka, to secure a place on the “cool” side of the 105 degree room.  gross.  There are still people in Savasana from the previous class. It smells like a bunch of 105 degree people, and I unintentionally mop up pools of sweat with my stocking feet. super gross.

After a frenzy of whipping clothes off and on in the close quarters of the change room, I go to my mat to lie down in perfect alignment and acclimatise. For a few minutes I’m happy. I’m supine in what is practically a bikini, it’s warm and quiet, the lights are low, there’s plenty of space around me, and whatwith my scented towel I could be lying under a ylang ylang tree in Costa Rica.

Soon more and more people arrive, and they’re getting way too close. Someone who arrived early on the other side of the room must have been tired and takes this opportunity to saw logs. The person who just settled in front of me hasn’t washed their feet. I’m sure the woman to my right let one go. I want class to start before any more people can invade but suddenly, remembering what the first part of the class is like, nostrils freshly assaulted, I want to bolt. I wonder if I can still make the bar. I hesitate, and the instant my muscles trigger for flight the teacher enters, turns up the lights and its all go.

During the breathing warm up I'm still resenting the absence of a cold crisp glass of chardonnay and I hope people haven’t eaten anything I can smell. As the teacher says “breathe out all the toxins from deep in your lungs” and everyone does, I’m painfully conscious my air is no longer my own.

The first thirty minutes of standing and balancing poses are as intense as anything I’ve ever done. I pride myself on never having to opt out to rest, which is quite common and acceptable, but I feel if I do I won’t get back up. I’m no longer worried about other people doing gross things and am just hoping I don’t barf up my organs.

The next third is easier, but the back strengthening poses are the most challenging for me (and the most rewarding). Our towels are soaked by now.  I get a waft of mildew and note that someone near me must have had to rent a towel. I’m no longer thinking of my own personal displeasure but I feel for them being face down and all. By the second wave of Locust pose I forget that I was ever frustrated, claustrophobic or germ phobic and just try to remember to breathe.

The final third into the home stretch is more reasonable still. Sweat is pouring out of my whole skin, even my shins, and my hair and clothes are soaked. It's hard to restrain myself from saying “yay!” after every pose. Sometimes a little one slips out in a whisper. For reasons I don’t understand this seems to piss people off. 

The teacher gives praise for our showing up and our hard work, there’s applause, and we lie down gratefully for Savasana. Nine times out of ten someone will come around to hand each of us a rolled face towel that’s been in bucket of ice water scented with lavender. I forget my fears about eyelash mites and let it cool my temples (and ideally take down the puffiness around my eyes).

At this point I’m in love with everything.  Blades of grass, bagels, ottomans…So yes, sure, It's gross. but at this point, so am I, and for at least another 12 hours or so, I'm okay with that.

 

fuck that day

  Through the ages spiritual seekers, practitioners and even just regular desperate folks have developed rituals of letting go.  

Full moon cleansing ritual, or a new moon cleansing ritual is about riding the surge of the waxing full moon for some weeks to move you toward your release, and then taking one symbolic physical action, usually involving some element like fire or water to formalise the inner transformation.  
 

Often this is done through objects, moon or no. I like the flexibility of not having to wait for the moon, though it does add a sense of occasion. One must put some practical thought into general object use, however, or there can be worse problems. You can infuse a balloon with the problem and just watch it float up and away, but you have to be careful not to release mylar balloons near power lines. You can also burn a symbol of the item to be released, but this is not recommended for pyromaniacs or children. Apparently whispering your problem to a butterfly and then letting it fly way, works. I get that butterflies are a symbol of joy and renewal, but they don't always do what you say. There is always the option of going out at sunset and just releasing your problem into the glowing orb as it disappears below the horizon. I've tried this but there's that damn orb again the next day, and bouncing back up every fricking day after that.  Then there is the old standby of throwing a stone into a river. Again, logistical problem if you don't have a river handy.

In our modern urban society, where it can be difficult to access rivers, beaches, trainable butterflies and bonfires, alcohol and drugs are a quick and easy solution, and it can even feel like you're having fun doing it. That's a bigger discussion I'll leave there for now.

Me,  I like, apparently, to poke, in an unfocused way, at all the crap I'm finding unbearable so it comes to a head on a particular day. Then, having backed myself into an untenable corner, go to sleep, wake up, and say, to no one in particular, you know what? Fuck that day. 

The feeling of peace, renewal and freedom I get from this is hard to describe and much deeper than any butterfly or balloon could afford. While it sounds dismissive, it somehow instantly gives me permission to change, and by implication to safely acknowledge, what the hell I did to involve myself in such an unpalatable situation in the first place, and forge onward on a different path. It's a gift, a lottery win, a get out of jail free card. Sometimes things are so mired that you just need to cut your losses, not invest any more time + energy in lengthy rituals, chalk it up and start fresh.

I give this gift to you, dear reader, to be used conservatively. Maybe we get one of these per season to start, and in time maybe one per year...  

Use it wisely and with love.